So Says I

An escalator isn't a ride

2011-02-13T11:55:00.001+11:00

Attention all whale half-breeds, lazy people and the elderly; get the fuck out of my way. Every trip up and down the escalator I have to spend looking at your sweaty back is shaving precious seconds off my life.

Was there a line to get onto the escalator? When you stepped on to the escalator, did you have to hand over a ticket? No? Then it's not a fucking ride, you douche. Do you think I brush past you with that irate expression on my face for shits and giggles? No, it's because you stand there like a retard on a coverer belt and I have places to be.

I understand it must have been quite an effort to get out of bed this morning, and all this walking around the stores has wiped you out. I feel for you, but could you stand to one side so people can get by? Look, you can even lean against the railing!

As for you elephants who take up the whole escalator with your vastness, could you do me a favour and not use this time to recover from the marathon shopping you've been doing? And for the love of hell, if you're going to finish that bucket of fries, do it somewhere else. Do you think I enjoy staring at the ugly pattern of your shirt while tapping my fingers impatiently against the railing? I have somewhere to be and it's ahead of you.

What's that, you have a pram? Well you could leave the bloody baby at home, but I guess that's probably not going to happen. I suppose you've got me there, sir. I'd still appreciate it if you and your crying midget could stand to the left in case I'm in a hurry, though.

Oh, and just because your phone rings doesn't mean you have to stop walking. If you haven't mastered talking while placing one foot in front of the other I implore you to stick your head in a bucket of water and try breathing.

To the next one of you fuckers who stands in front of me and doesn't have the audacity to move a few inches to the side to let me pass, I hope your die in a horrible accident.

Customer Service - a Dramatised Generalisation

2011-02-13T11:41:00.001+11:00

I'm pretty sure the weather is nice today. Beautiful, even. Somewhere in the back of my mind there are images of people lying in the sun, or perhaps splashing around in the water at a sun-soaked beach. I push these thoughts away as the bland walls of my work place come back into focus. I'm sitting on an uncomfortable stool at an annoyingly high desk with an archaic computer who's keyboard always jams when you hit the enter key and a mouse cord that isn't nearly long enough to use comfortably. Beside me is my co-worker dutifully preforming some menial task; receiving in stock or some such thing. I look at the tiny characters on the depressingly small monitor and try to remember what I'm supposed to do with them. It takes slightly longer than I'd like to admit. I need a coffee. As I begin to rise off my rattling stool the phone rings. I narrow my eyes at it before picking it up.

"Good morning, [company name], this is Dale."

"Hello David."

It's Dale you smarmy cunt. "It's Dale."

"Oh, sorry." She's not. "I got a [product] from you a few years ago and I have a problem with it."

"I'm sorry to hear that. What's the problem?"

"Well I've been using it for years and even though it's doing exactly what it should be doing, and there is no product in the world that preforms as well as it did on it's first day, and even though I only spent the minimal amount of money on it at the time, I want it replaced because it has aged."

Sigh. "I'm sorry to hear you're no longer satisfied with your [product], ma'am. We can repair or replace faulty products if they're within their warranty period. Do you have your original invoice?"

"No, it was years ago! Can't you just look up my surname?"

"I'm sorry, I didn't catch your name."

"Jane Smith."

Fuck me. I type Smith into the computer come up with roughly four thousand Smith's. "Sorry ma'am, but the search wasn't successful. May I ask for the phone number that would have been on the invoice?"

"You want my phone number? What for?"

"To look up your account. There is a large number of Smith's in our system but nobody will have the same phone number."

"Oh, okay. I think it was my husbands number..." Several agonising seconds roll by before she finally remembers her husbands number. I type it in and find account Jane Smith, invoiced and archived in December of 2003. I put the phone on hold, hit print and wait for the old invoice to crawl painfully slowly out of the old printer. It finally finishes and I pick the phone back up.

"Okay ma'am, I see you purchased the [product name] in 2003-"

"Oh, it wasn't that long ago."

"Maybe I have the wrong account." I don't. "May I ask a few questions to make I have the right Jane Smith?" She agrees. I quote the phone number back to her, as well as her address and post code. Yep, right account. "It's dated December 7th, 2003."

"Oh, it doesn't feel that long ago..." Yeah, time moves quickly. Interesting. Can we get on with it?

"Anyway, let's try and sort this out. You purchased a product in 2003, were happy with it in the beginning but it's recently dropped in quality?"

"Well I was never really happy with it," then why did you buy it? "but recently it has become a real problem!"

"I see. Have you been using the provided care products?"

"No, one of the reasons I purchased the product was because it didn't need any upkeep."

"There is no such product, ma'am. All [product]'s need some kind of upkeep, even the most modern models."

"That's not what I was told!"

Groan. Uneducated customers are one thing; they don't know any better, but customers who have been misinformed by salespeople who will say anything to get a sale are difficult because they're victims as well as annoying. "I see. Okay, well let's fill in a customer service form. I'll send it to the manufacturer who will then inspect the product. If they find a manufacturing fault, they'll repair or replace it."

"Well the [product] is uncomfortable! Why do they have to inspect it? Can't you just send me a new one?"

"Sorry ma'am, but all products have to be inspected before they're replaced. It's their policy." I'm pretty sure it's the policy for every manufacturer ever, but I don't say so.

"Well that's just a waste of time!" She mumbles something incoherently under her breath that sounds suspiciously like an insult against my mother. "Fine, can they come today? I'm going out at 4pm so they'll have to come before then."

"I'm sorry ma'am but that's not how it works. I have to send this form to the manufacture who will then contact you directly and book a time to come out."

"Well when will that be!?"

"I can't answer that, ma'am, I don't make the bookings. They should call you within two working days."

"Two days! That's too long, I need a new [product] now! Can't you inspect it?"

"No ma'am, I don't work for the manufacturer." Nor do I feel like driving to Mordor.

"Well that just isn't good enough. Can I speak to the manager?"

"The manager isn't in today, ma'am."

She clucks her tongue reproachfully. "Typical. Where is he? Out having lunch at a pub?"

No, he's fucking your mother you insufferable bitch. "It's his rostered day off. I'm happy to help in-"

"Oh, just forget it! I'll be telling everyone not to shop at [company name] and I know a lot of people!"

Click.

Fine, go and die, bitch. I'm going to have a coffee.

Biting the hand that feeds

2010-03-03T16:29:00.001+11:00

I've noticed in the past few weeks a resurgence in the whole 'life was better in simpler times' philosophy. People are always waxing poetic about how great it was when we wrote hand-written letters to each other, but I never hear anyone talking about how great it is that we live in this amazing age of information. I think people are looking back on those times with rose tinted glasses, the same way people talk about how great it was being a teenager. I don't know about you, but I found the pimples, high school and constant erections to be a pain in the ass. Honestly, before the advent of email, how many of you actually enjoyed writing a hand-written letter to someone? Then there is the whole issue of how long it takes to mail a letter, wondering weather your intended recipient actually got your letter or not, and let's not forget the fact that every fucking envelope had to have a bloody stamp on it.

No, I think I'll stick with email, thanks a bunch.

Then there is arguably the biggest technological advancement in society; mobile phones (possibly second only to the internet). I was a teenager when mobile phones became a must-have item for, well, everyone and honest to fucking God I have no idea how we operated before they came about. Meeting up with friends these days without a phone is damn nigh impossible. When my buddy DJ lost his phone, he was almost incommunicado (but managed to keep in touch via Facebook). You might be tempted to say “Well Dale, doesn't that show you just how dependant on technology we've become?” to which my reply would be, after I finished burying my Doc Marten into your cranium, “Who fucking cares?”

Yes, we are addicted to our phones, GPS's and the internet. And why the Hell shouldn't we be? They make life significantly easier, enable us to keep in contact with our friends and family almost anywhere on the planet, even keep us entertained. I heard (another) complaint about us 'young people' and our generation and how we never liked to be bored. We have our phones which double as mini computers complete with internet connectivity, games and even some that double as an MP3 player. How dare we!?

All you misunderstood souls who want to be punk rockers with flowers in your hair can blow me; I love being able to sit in bed with a laptop, talking to people all over the globe while listening to music I've illegally downloaded which I'll soon import to my iPhone, making the walk to the store tomorrow far more pleasurable than it otherwise would have been.

In conclusion; handwriting is obsolete, the digital world is real, and I fucked your mother.

Todo mi amor,

Dale Mallows

Is Australia really a nation of racists?

2009-10-10T00:01:00.003+11:00

The short answer is no.

The long answer is the following;

We may not be as sensitive to some cultural differences, sure, but to be condemned as racists as an entire nation over a silly skit on a variety show is a pretty damn big call. A few guys (the frontman being Indian, no less) paint their faces black and we're called a 'backwards, racist' country. Now correct me if I'm wrong but we never had ethnic cleansing like in Africa, wars bred from religious intolerance like in the Middle East, and I'm pretty sure there is nobody walking around in white hoods setting fire to crosses in peoples front yards.

We also don't abuse and spit on black sportsmen like they are known to do in Spain, Italy and Norway.

I'd say, as a country, we're pretty respectful of other peoples backrounds. You want proof? Look at the thriving Vietnamese, Italian and Greek communities. We don't tolerate other cultures, we embrace them.

I can see how the skit on Hey Hey could have been seen as racist to an American audience, since it's a much more sensitive issue there. But here's the thing; it wasn't aired in America! Harry Connick Jr may well have been offended, being an American, but to demand an apology for a very light-hearted form of entertainment, which I might add didn't poke fun at black people or the Jackson family, that's the outrage.

I like Harry Connick Jr, and anybody who knows me knows that I love America. Having said that, they ought keep their opinions to themselves. Yes, I'm talking to you Bill O'Riley you capitalist piece of shit. And Harry, being American doesn't mean you're superior to us backwards outback folk. We have a very different attitude here than you do at home, we're laid-back, 'live and let live' types out here. That might seem backwards to you, but to us it's a very nice way to get by. You want to start comparing our countries and see how flawed your system and way of life really is, America? You all have guns, but not healthcare. Who's the backwards country again?

We're all zombies (and not the cool kind)

2009-09-28T16:17:00.003+10:00

I read a study today that said we will, on average, spend 3,188 hours starting at one kind of electrified screen or another such as television, computer, cell phone, GPS, computer games and other assorted shiny, attention grabbing things. We’ll also spend around 365 hours of commercial viewing per year through television alone. That’s on top of all the pop-up and on-site advertising on the Internet sites like Google and Facebook.

So is all this advertising turning us into mindless zombies? The fact is you’re taking in information when you watch television or surf the internet. Not that the information is, strictly speaking, of any importance, but our brains are still being engaged in a very basic way. So while you sit there and watch hour upon hour of Family Guy or playing Farmville you may feel like you’re filling in your time. And maybe you are, who am I to argue? But from the outside looking in, all you're doing is sitting in front of a screen, slack-jawed and dead-eyed.

But from where I’m sitting, it’s really rather depressing that so much of our lives is taken up by the most inane of activities when there are so many other things we could be doing. We are living in the most enlightened and progressive time this planet has ever known, a time where we can look, dress and behave however we like. We have access to public transport that can take us pretty much anywhere we want to go (if we can stand waiting around for 45 minutes for a train to arrive), not to mention cars.

So rather than take in what our surroundings have to offer, what do we do? We sit around and watch TV, or spend hours accomplishing nothing on the internet. And that’s only when we’re not working which takes up a much larger chunk of our lives than it rightfully should. And on weekends, in between our zombie-like intake of the media and our slavery to the wage; we drink, celebrating the fact that we have two nights of freedom from our own lives. Or we drink to ignore the fact that our freedom is so short-lived as to be laughable. Or we just sit at home, in front of our televisions and computers and waste our lives away on digital waves of light.

I think I’ll go and update my Facebook status now.

Facebook and Twitter are making me lazy

2009-08-26T14:19:00.003+10:00

Before status updates and microblogs, I used to write detailed blogs about the simplest of things. Some might say too detailed, but to those people I say kindly fuck yourself. I wrote blogs pages long about my adventures on the weekend with my friends, theories about anything that sprung to mind and even rambled about random things that encapsulated my mood at the time. It was fun for me because I got to write about my favorite subject; me, and fun for my few readers because I served as a scribe for our adventures.

Things have changed. I've found that I can squeeze an entire weekend into a one hundred and forty character description on Twitter. Why bother sitting here for hours writing about my life when I can use one witty remark to capture an entire experience. All those years of writing haiku seems to have given me a talent for putting more information into as little words as possible. I find the trick is to leave it open to interpretation, but not to the point where it's cryptic. People don't like cryptic messages. Well, I don't, anyway.

As for my blogs based on my mood, such as my long winded rant about how lives are decided by quantum physics which was inspired by an afternoon of listening to Nine Inch Nails and reading The Selfish Gene, they're almost non-existent now that I can elude to how happy, depressed or awesome I am by using Facebook's status updates. There is no character restriction that I'm aware of, but the general idea is to keep it short and sweet. Cryptic messages are even worse on Facebook because you do have the extra space to explain yourself, but they seem to be far more common too. Advice; if you try to sound mysterious, you'll most likely end up sounding like a tool.

There is also the fact that my status updates generally get a lot more readers and therefore comments than my blogs ever did. Being the narcissistic attention whore that I am, ten comments from random people I went to high school with gives me more elation than one or two comments from good friends. I can’t help it; I feed on comments and kudos like a celebrity feeds on publicity. I feel like a sellout, like an actor who couldn't find an audience in his indie films and took a role in a Hollywood blockbuster as a result, sacrificing integrity for fame.

I think I'll go update my Twitter, now.

Campaign Propaganda

2009-08-05T00:30:00.002+10:00

I’ve been thinking a lot about how I used to view the world vs. the way I view the world today, and the one thing that I think has changed the most is my tolerance for understanding and reason. When I look at the world and its many troubles, I used to think the easiest way to fix them would be to come to an understanding or a compromise. I figured that since I’m personally a pretty lenient person that, deep down, everyone would have the capacity for mercy and logic.

Now all I can think is that I give humanity too much clemency. It’s hard to believe that the human race has actually evolved when there are thousands of people killing and dying over a sacred wall. People have actually, in recent times, killed in the name of one God or another. Not to mention the general stupidity of the human race pissing in the shallow end of the gene pool (such as the insistence to actually hinder natural selection by putting labels like ‘Do not spray in eyes’ on a can of deodorant or ‘Do not attempt to swallow’ on a mattress).

Drug users who take up our precious medical resources when they OD on the side of the street in the CDB should have to take their actions into account for a change. Gambling addicts who try to sue a casino because they gambled all their money away should have their cases thrown out immediately. Sex offenders should be on a public register and under-age sex offenders should be stripped of any human rights given to a person at birth.

If people are going to fight like a bunch of little girls over a piece of wall, I say we blow it up completely. Let’s unite the world, not by sitting around waiting for things to settle down, but with an iron fist. Look at all the comic books you might have read as a kid; the superheroes fight endlessly for justice and peace but nothing ever changes. Did you ever stop and wonder what it would be like if Lex Luthor did take over the world? I say we need a super villain to take the reins and actually make something happen. Enough pissing around, let’s get planet Earth into shape and make of it a planet to be feared!

Vote Dale Mallows for Leader of the World in 2012.
“He’d vote for you!”

My 10 Favorite Songs

2009-07-14T23:37:00.004+10:00

As Triple J recently did their Top 100 of all time, I've decided that the time is right for me to list my own favorite songs. Only I really can't be buggered with 100, so I'm going to round it down to 10. There are in no particular order.

Freak - Silverchair
Silverchair are my favorite band and as such I could fill half this list with their songs. I am however going to restrain myself and pick only one, and I've gone with Freak because every single time I hear it I feel like smashing stuff, just like I did when I first heard it. There is just so much energy in this song.

Tonight, Tonight - Smashing Pumpkins
Best Pumpkins song, hands down. The drums, lyrics, even the video are all classic.

New Slang - The Shins
Like Silverchair, I could fill the other half of this list with songs by this band. I've gone with New Slang (narrowly kicking out Australia and Turn On Me) because it was the first song I heard by this band. Like most people I heard it for the first time watching Garden State, which incidentally is my favorite movie.

Kashmir - Led Zeppelin
One of, if not, Led Zeppelins most well known songs, the guitar work in this mingled with the Middle Eastern style musical influences make it one of the coolest songs ever written.

Stay Together For The Kids - Blink 182
This song marked the move into more mature music for Blink, and in my opinion is the best track they ever recorded. The lyrics are much deeper than you'd expect from a band that previously wrote a song about fucking a dog in the ass.

Heart-Shaped Box - Nirvana
This song always seemed the embodiment of Kirt Cobains depression and frustration, and I remember being a teenager and really relating to this song.

Back In Black - Ac/DC
Best Australian song ever. 'Nuff said.

Every You Every Me- Placebo
I remember the first time I heard this song and thinking it sounded like nothing I'd ever heard before. Pure Morning was the first song I heard by this band, but this song was the one that got me hooked.

Right Where It Belongs - Nine Inch Nails
One of the few NIN songs that isn't aggressive or angry, this song has such a quiet quality to it that it's shocking to hear the first time. Many nights staying up in my VCE years were spent listening to this song.

Zombie - The Cranberries
This song has such an original sound to it, and the first time I heard it (as a young child) I was intrigued. Every time I hear it I think of my late Aunt, because she was the one who explained the lyrics to me.

Honorable mentions:
Friday I'm In Love - The Cure
Ziggy Stardust - David Bowie
No Rain - Blind Melon
Paranoid - Black Sabbath
Resurrection - PPK
Hurt- Johnny Cash
Hero of the Day - Metallica (with the symphony orchestra)
All I Want - The Offspring
Imaginary - Evanesence
Can't Stop - Red Hot Chili Peppers

Late night rambling on insurance

2009-07-14T03:17:00.005+10:00

Having been in four accidents, I'm the first person to call you a dick for not seeing the benefit of car insurance. In some countries it's illegal to drive without insurance, but I don't think it is in Australia and I can't be buggered looking it up. Personally I don't think it should be a legal matter in much the same way I don't believe it should be compulsory to vote, despite the fact that being forced to vote (or at the very least show up and have our named checked off) is probably one of the things that makes us one of the better countries on this planet.

So while I don't think anyone should be forced into having car insurance, I'm also of the belief that if you don't have insurance you deserve whatever you get if you find yourself in an accident, and a foot up the arse to boot. I've heard people say, in defense of not having insurance, that they don't need it because they're good drivers, but everyone knows that 80% of the others drivers you're sharing the road with aren't so talented behind the wheel. Also, you're probably not as good as you think you are.

The other thing that gets people in a huff, people I know anyway, is the cost. I agree that car insurance is a bit of a rip-off. You pay for something every year that you're probably confident won't even be an issue. That's the thing about buying insurance, hospital cover or any other incorporeal purchase; people find it difficult to justify spending a large amount of money on something that they not only can't see or hold, but are actively hoping they won't need. I hope the thought that you saved a few hundred dollars over the years consoles you when you hit that shiny BMW and you feel your life crumbling around you, much like the ruins of your car.

Personally, I have full comprehensive insurance. I'd be a fool not to, some might say, having been in so many accidents. On the other hand, the odds that I'll be in another accident after already having been in four are pretty slim. So why do I continue to pay out hundreds of dollars every year? I'm not a gambler, I hate spending money unless it's on something I can physically hold, I'm a much more careful driver now than I have been in the past, and at the very least less likely to cause an accident.

So is the $600 a year worth it? You better fucking believe it, pal. And for anyone who doesn't want to spend the big bucks on their own car, have some respect for your fellow drivers and get third party insurance at the very least.

A few more words on dead Michael Jackson

2009-07-06T20:48:00.001+10:00

He was an exceptional dancer, and a fantastic singer. I hear he was quite good at molesting children, too.

A few words on Michael Jackson

2009-07-06T15:50:00.002+10:00

He might have been a scary looking guy, but damn, he was a good dancer.

See, I told you it was only a few words.

A Guide to Surviving Professional Salespeople

2009-07-03T01:46:00.002+10:00

Human beings are very susceptible to suggestion. At least they are when they cease being human beings and become their far less intelligent and slightly less attractive counterparts; customers. Having worked in sales in some form or other for the past five years, though not a veteran by any means, I’ve still seen some pretty sad stuff that makes me wonder about the state of our astuteness as a race. With that in mind, I’m going to give you a quick run though of sales people and their twisted games designed to get you to give them your money.

The greeting
A salesperson will greet each person differently based on age, ethnicity, and marital status. Younger people will most likely hear ‘What’s up?’ whereas older folk might hear something more like ‘How may I help you?’ If you’re Australian you’ll most likely be referred to as ‘mate’, otherwise you’ll be called ‘sir’. If you tell a salesperson your name, he or she will overuse it in an attempt to subconsciously get you to view them as a friend. Which leads me to;

We’re not your friend
The best salespeople will have you convinced that he or she is your best friend. The conversation, jokes, anecdotes; all scripted responses. Not scripted in terms of an actual script, but all salespeople have a routine, and while they ad lib quite often, the basic story behind everything you hear is part of the sales pitch. If a cute girl working in sales smiles at you, she probably isn’t flirting.

We’re liars
Don’t believe a word a salesperson says. How many times have you heard a salesperson say “Oh yeah, I have that model at home myself.” They don’t, 90% of the time. Don’t bother trying to catch them out though, they are committed to the lie and will most likely have an entire back story to go with it.

Pricing
A retail store always has room to move on their prices. Always. This is especially true for more expensive items, televisions, stereos, etc. If a salesperson tells you that the price on the tag is the best he or she can do, they’re two-faced liars. The best way to get a good price is to show interest, so they know you’re serious, but also make it obvious that if they don’t budge on the price you’ll walk out the door. You can save some serious moolah and impress your friends with your hardcore shopping skills.

Asking for the sale
After you’ve spent a while with a salesperson, the conversation will inevitably lead to them wanting your money in exchange for whatever goods or services they’re offering. This is the part where they have given up hope that you’re the kind of person who’ll just say ‘You’ve convinced me, sold!’ They’re relying on your kind nature to buy from them, because people feel guilty after spending so much time with a salesperson and not buying anything from them.

So remember, when shopping, always be on your guard. Unless you’re buying something from me. I’ll take care of you, mate.

Driving: a risk I'm willing to take

2009-06-25T02:35:00.003+10:00

Many of the people I know have been in a car accident. Most of those people were the cause of their accident through a simple mistake, neglect, stupidity or all of the above. Me? I’ve been in four accidents. Now before you start waving your pitchforks and demand I turn in my license let me make one thing abundantly clear; three of the four accidents I’ve been involved with were caused by the other driver. Let’s go through them in order of appearance.

1. I was turning into my then girlfriend’s driveway, which happens to be on a main road. I indicated and slowed down to turn; the lady in the 4WD behind me wasn’t paying attention and ran straight into me. She admitted fault without argument.

2. I was on my way out of the car park at work heading for a main road. I was heading straight, the driver coming out of a different car park thought he had right of way (he didn’t, this was verified) and ran into the side of my car. Driver initially denied being at fault but relented when our insurance companies informed him of his mistake. I’d also like to point out he was a wanker.

3. I wasn’t paying attention and was in a hurry. Without looking properly I accelerated right into the back of a 4WD. Completely my fault, sever damage to my car as a result (although not enough for it to be considered a write-off). I think she may have claimed some kind of neck pain to the insurance people but I presume that was a rort. Not my concern, anyway.

4. Heading through an intersection through a green light. The gentleman to my left drove out directly in front of me because he was confused by the bus light. I had to explain that even if the light is in the shape of a B instead of the usual circle, you still have to stop if it’s red. I tried to break but it was raining so my car slid into his. He complained about how he’d come from miles away to get cheap petrol, I had to stop myself from pointing out the fact that I really couldn’t care less about his problems since he’d just CAUSED ME TO CRASH MY FUCKING CAR.

That is my record for the past five years. I’ve had more accidents than my parents (though my dad has run into a letterbox and a tree which, when you think about it, is pretty bad because they’re completely stationary). Anyone who has been in a car with me knows I’m not the safest driver in the world; I tend to speed, cross lanes randomly, and generally fuck around. The irony of this is that every accident I have been in I was doing the speed limit and driving safely.

What annoys me about this current accident isn’t the damage to my car or the general inconvenience of it. The thing that really pisses me off is that people are going to assume that I can’t drive, and the fact is it’s bloody hard to argue against the facts. In black and white, I’m a terrible driver. Four accidents. Granted I’ve never had a speeding ticket or any other driving violation (okay, that’s a lie, I did get a ticket for talking on the phone while driving once which was stupid because I was talking to my then girlfriend while I was about five minutes from her house at the time) but the figures are still against me. I have to constantly explain that I wasn’t the cause of three of them, which is a pain in the ass to be honest.

The other thing that is getting under my skin is the possibility that maybe everyone else is right; maybe I am a bad driver. I’m twenty-three and I’ve been in four car crashes, nobody else I know has been in more than one. Maybe there was ways to avoid these accidents that I just wasn’t quick enough to act on at the time. I could have been paying attention and looked in my rear view mirror when I was hit from behind. But then I was still on a main road and if I’d violently turned off the road I would have crashed through a fence. I’m sitting here replaying every accident I’ve been in and trying to figure out if maybe I’m the one who fucked up every time, but I can’t think of any way I could have seen them coming.

I’ve been known to be unfocused in other parts of life. Maybe I’m just not paying enough attention to the road. It can’t be possible that I’m just unlucky, although that would explain the record losses every time I try to gamble.

Putting aside my potentially dangerous driving for a moment, I have to say that my opinion of other drivers has dropped dramatically. The fact that I may have avoided some of the accident I’ve been in doesn’t excuse the fact that they were caused in the first place. The onus to avoid collusions shouldn’t rest entirely with me. I’d also like to point out that two of my accidents were caused by senior citizens (#2 and #4) which, if you recall, was a big concern of mine in a previous blog on the topic of driving. It might be hypocritical of me to start abusing other drivers considering my record, so rather than start sit here and bitch, I’ll paraphrase my own blog (previously posted here)

“We don't let teenagers drive unsupervised until they're eighteen, yet a senior citizen who can't see without coke-bottle glasses and the reflexes of a sloth on weed is fine.

How is it inappropriate to ask seniors to take a test every couple of years, anyway? I'm all for respecting our elders, but not at the expense of my own safety (and yeah, impatience). Old people can't see as well as the young, they're reflexes aren't as good, and let's face it, the road rules have changed since they were teenagers. This isn't news, our bodies degrade over the years. It's time to stop ignoring this and accepting it for what it is. Sure it's a hassle to book an exam and get down to the local Vic Roads to take the exam, but it's not like they're going to be too busy. They're mostly retired, and I'm sure they can take a day off from lawn bowls for a simple driving test. Give them a discount, or hell, make it free, but for the love of all that is decent in this motherfucking country, do something.”

I’d be happy to take a driving test myself. Who knows, it might save a life, or at the very least save my poor car from getting another quiltin’.

Finally, there are two positives I can think of to all if this. Firstly, after four accidents I’m in absolutely no financial trouble. Anyone who thinks insurance is a waste of money clearly sucks dick is mistaken. The second is the fact that after four accidents, the worse injury I’ve had is being slightly winded from the seatbelt in my latest crash. I’m working on the theory that I’m invincible. I’ll let you know how that works out. In the event of my sudden death I’d like to take this opportunity to tell you all that I'm actually a scientologist.

Jusqu'à la prochaine fois, mes amours,

Delaney Mállos

The Job Hunt: May - June 2009

2009-06-15T02:12:00.000+10:00

My full time job was made redundant just over a month ago. My former place of employment, which shall henceforth be referred to as My Former Place of Employment, was forced to make some cuts for reasons best left untyped. Suffice to say I was given notice, a firm handshake and a pretty generous severance payout which has prevented me from having to turn tricks on the street corner again. Not being quite as clueless as I doubtless seem, I did in fact see it coming before it happened. Unfortunately seeing something coming and actively taking action as a result of it are two very different things.

Had I been prepared, I would have taken the time to look for another job or at least scanned the papers to see what kind of work was going around. As it happened, I didn’t do either of those things and when I found myself unemployed and without any prospects for the first time in years, I was completely ignorant of the current employment situation. For three weeks I applied for jobs every day, from small time casual work to managerial roles I’m not even qualified for. I’m an equal opportunist applier. I heard almost nothing back from any of the places I applied to in that time, which frankly surprised me since my resume paints me as a pretty impressive, well rounded individual.

A resume is, by default, supposed to talk you up and make you sound more remarkable than you probably are. Here are some of the features I pointed out about myself on my resume.

1. Five years of sales and customer service. (Exaggerated)
2. Two types of forklift license. (Factual)
3. Excellent computer knowledge. (Slightly exaggerated)
4. Ability to balance multiple priorities (False)
5. Very good communication and customer service skills (Factual, in my opinion)

I also included a list of duties I have performed in previous roles as long as my leg, and the majority of those are legit. I’ve heard feedback from my two previous employers that my cover letter was extremely well written, and my list of referees include co-workers, supervisors, managers and even a company director. If hiring was based purely on a person’s resume, I’d hire myself in a heartbeat. I’d probably end up firing myself in the end but that’s not really the point of this blog.

What surprised me was that I didn’t even hear back from some places. Alright, fair enough that I didn’t hear back from the office in Dandenong that required at least two years of managerial experience, but what about JB Hi-Fi? I applied to about five different roles in stores all over Melbourne and didn’t hear a single thing back. Same with Harvery Norman. I don’t want to sound too arrogant (oh, who am I kidding, I love sounding arrogant) but not only am I qualified for those jobs, they should have been happy to hear from someone as experienced as Yours Truly.

Now, before you read this and think I’m pissing and moaning because I can’t get a job, kindly blow me as I am currently employed and have been for a whole three days now.

No, what I’m bitching about is the fact that it took a full month to find a job. Personally, I blame the modern way of applying for jobs. Practically every job I applied for had to be done online, a system which is infinitely easier on employers but really takes away the human experience for the potential employee. When a job is applied for online, there is no give and take between the employer and the person applying for the job, no initial meeting.

I also have a chip on my shoulder because I found out that four of the emails I sent applying for positions at different offices didn’t go though and therefore possibly cost me gainful employment.

The bottom line is thus: being unemployed is fucked. Even though I have money I can’t justify spending it most of the time because I know it’s not going to be replenished in a week’s time, I’m almost constantly bored and within two days of not having job my sleep pattern was shot to hell. It’s currently 3am and I’m sitting on my computer bitching about the fact that I’m up at 3am.

One last thing, and this is the very same thing that royally pissed me off back when I was a brash young teenager looking for work purely because I wanted a car; if you say you’re going to get in touch with someone after they have sent in a resume, fucking do it. Even if it’s bad news, I’d very much appreciate a quick phone call saying “Thanks but we’re going with someone else.” It might be an awkward call to make, but it’ll sure as hell be beneficial for the poor bastard sitting on his couch in his underwear with a king size bowl of Fruit Loops watching Buffy on DVD for the 500th time.

In short, anyone I applied to in the last month who didn’t see fit to hire me or at least call me to let me know I wasn’t successful can go and screw themselves.

Firefly/Serenity rant

2009-05-29T13:53:00.003+10:00

It's terrible when a TV show you love is canceled. I'm aware that there are in fact bigger problems in the world (recession, war, swine flu, etc) but this is my blog, so I'll talk about my own issues if you don't bloody well mind. The thing is, sometimes I get attached to things, and quite often they're taken away before their time. Buffy the Vampire Slayer is probably my favorite TV show, but it went for seven seasons and got to end on its own terms. Angel was rushed a bit, but still had a good run. The mastermind behind these shows, Joss Whedon, also made what I consider to be the best si-fi ever made, Firefly.

Firefly wasn't so lucky as it's older siblings, it was canceled before the first season was over. Every episode of this show is amazing (particularly Out Of Gas, Jaynestown and Objects In Space), and it's cancellation was a huge blow to the fans and apparently the cast and crew, too.

The upside is, thanks largely to fans and this thing called the in-ter-net Joss was able to have a movie follow-up made, giving the series an ending, and allowing it to go out with a bang rather than a silenced gunshot. I'm so grateful to whoever helped organize the marketing for Firefly/Serenity. I know it's over now, and has been for some years, but I'm one of those hopeless fans who still wants more. I'm awake Joss is doing Dollhouse (which I'd LOVE to watch but being in Australia and with cable TV, this isn't possible) and Nathan Fillion is doing Castle (which I quite enjoy so far), but it's just one of those shows you always want more of because you were given so little. In a way I know this is a good thing, because Firefly will never go stale or jump the shark, but you know...

Well, that's it. I just wanted to vent.

No Pickles

2009-05-07T00:24:00.004+10:00

It's late. I always leave writing these things until it's late so that I rush it and make my posts short. In that spirit, I'll be writing this in bullet point form.

1. Lost job. Looking for new one now. Was made redundant, not fired. Not that either one is good.

2. Attempting to change life in dramatic way. Will talk about it more in this blog when things are more or less confirmed.

3. Haven't cut hair in a long time. It's getting quite unruly.

4. Saw the Wolverine movie, was better than expected. Deadpool was in it which was a plus, but they totally changed him, which wasn't so good. For those new here, Deadpool was my favorite comic book character as a kid.

5. Crashed car few weeks back. All better now. No fatalities, but my wallet took a fair quiltin'.

6. Been reading a lot. Latest victim is Neil Gaiman, great writer. Neverwhere was fantastic, American Gods is strange so far, but I like it regardless.

7. Is just a good number to finish on, and I have nothing further to add.

Thanks for reading.

Kind Regards,

Dale Mallows
Internet Blogger
BlogSpot, Internet

The Ugly Truth!

2009-03-31T19:03:00.002+11:00

You remember that story about the ugly little duckling? The one who was small and unattractive then grew up to be a beautiful swan? I always assumed the moral of that particular story was one of hope for the outcasts in schools across Australia. "You may not be very impressive at the moment, son, but one day you'll grow up to be a magnificent swan!" they'd tell you. I was thinking about this today while driving a forklift, which doesn't really seem to mesh very well but there you have it. In fact I write most of my nonsense ramblings in my head while doing rather more practical things.

Consider the position of the ugly ducking/swan. He may have been an unsightly little creature who eventually grew to eclipse his brothers and sisters in beauty threefold, but the truth is he always was a swan. It was only through misunderstanding that he was mistaken for a duck in the first place. The mother duck assumed the egg was hers because it was sitting under her arse. Of course had the swan grown up with it's biological family, he still would have been beautiful, but possibly no more so than the rest of his siblings.

I can't help but think that he old nursery rhyme strengthens the concept that special people, weather they be pretty, smart or otherwise advantaged over the rest of us, are born and not made.

I'm alive

2009-02-10T21:06:00.000+11:00

In case there is anyone out there who saw on the news about the fires all over Victoria and wondered if I was alive; yes, I am.

The closest fires were probably about a 20 min drive from where I live, though. Pretty freaky.

I'm not dead, though. Sorry for anyone who wishes otherwise. :D

Galore

2009-01-04T19:08:00.003+11:00

Today if the final day of my vacation. Not that I'm complaining, I had a month off then got another week and a half off a few weeks later. It's been pretty relaxed in my life lately.

I've spent the day in my bathrobe (because I can!) mostly watching How I Met Your Mother on DVD. I love that show, it's so fantastic. I also read for a while. I'm reading Blood and Gold, part of the vampire chronicles by Anne Rice. I'm not even a huge fan of her writing or this book, but I read The Vampire Armand not too long ago and it put me into the mood to read more of her stuff.

I also take the time to read a few pages from a book I just purchased on eBay called Ten Imaginary Years, which is an biography of th first ten years of The Cure's career.

So that's it. Tomorrow I go back to work, which is probably a good thing because I'm running low on money, haha.

<3

Observation

2008-12-31T13:45:00.000+11:00

Not many people seemed to enjoy 2008 very much. Well, it's nearly over, I suppose.

Update

2008-12-29T19:33:00.002+11:00

I live. It is true.

My good pal buddy friend mate Shealyn just got herself a blogspot and guessed that I had one too, so now I'm updating for the simple sake of it. I really don't have much to say. I went to America which ruled, and I'd like to move there. I'd write about my adventure, but it was a month long trip and I'm not in the mood for typing that much.

Christmas was good. I got presents. I gave presents. Ate lots. Fun.

Also, The Mighty Boosh is a wicked cool show and everyone should watch it. Including you.

:D

My weekend thus far

2008-05-24T13:19:00.001+10:00

I just had a shower, did my hair, got dressed up semi-nice, made myself a new driving mix CD and headed down to pick Maz up for some lunch. I got about half way down my street before I heard that weird sound a tyre makes when it's flat.

How the fuck did I get a flat? They're brand new tyres, man. I didn't see anything on the road that could have spiked it, and other than that it's been sitting on my front lawn. I have no fucking idea what's going on, this is my second flat in around six months. I never got a flat with my old car. So now I'm back inside on my computer because I can't go anywhere. Maz's mum borrowed his car so we're both stranded. Lame.

Last night I went out with Jake and Maz to get some dinner at Crown Casino. It was pretty awesome. I had a lot of vodka, which isn't my usual drink (beer, please) but it was awesome anyway.

Oh, I need glasses. Again. Or still, whatever. I got my eyes tested and they're not getting any better. On the bright side, my new frames are awesome. Giorgio Armani semi-rims, silver and black. Way, way cooler than my old Ray Bans.

Jake is coming over now, so I'll put the spare on and then, I dunno, find something to do. I'm not really hungry anymore.

All I can say is that my life is pretty plain

2008-05-18T22:12:00.003+10:00

I wish I had something interesting to write here, but I don't.

I saw Shutter. Good to know Joshua Jackson is still alive, otherwise the movie was pretty stock standard. After the movie I spent a few hours driving around with Maz and DJ. We went to Melbourne, ended up in the western suburbs (a place where you're literately afraid to get out of your car) then turned around again. We spent way too long discussing the finer details of Star Wars, until even I grew sick of the nerdtalk and changed the subject.

We did the usual and got some milkshakes (no matter what we do or what we have been drinking, we always end up getting milkshakes at the end of the night if we're sober enough to drive) and sat in the Fountain Gate parking lot, talking about whatever and drinking our shakes. After a while a police car pulled up next to us. The officer asked what we were doing, then asked if there was nowhere else more interesting we could go. I fleetingly thought about asking where she would suggest we go at three AM, but instead just told her we always drink our shakes here then leave. As she was leaving, her flashlight caught my eye and intensified my headache tenfold. Bitch.

Anne Rice might write a final Vampire Chronicle that centers on Lestat, the Talamasca and the theme of redemption. Just stick to your Jesus book, Rice. Lestat died when you took away his fangs and gave him a bible. Just leave him alone, for my sake. Please.

I've been sick for the past week or so. I woke up today and could hardly talk at all. Luckily I was alone all day, so I didn't have anyone to talk to anyway.

That is all I have. When I'm healthy again I'll try to lead a more interesting life.

Two video posts in a row!?

2008-05-04T22:21:00.004+10:00

Sometimes I feel like I was born in the wrong decade. Then I remember how lucky we are to be alive and young at the birth of this new millenium, and that just because I didn't grow up listening to bands like Led Zeppelin doesn't mean I can't enjoy their music. It just means I can listen to classic music as well as modern music. Keeping that in mind, here is an amazing song I've had playing in my head all day.

And here is a much younger song.

The Zelda Dance

2008-04-28T23:34:00.003+10:00

If this dance doesn't stop Ganon, nothing will.

Legacy

2008-04-28T22:43:00.007+10:00

For the past few weeks, I've had this old guy come into my office. The first time he came in he stayed for nearly forty-five minutes talking to us about completely random things, like smoking and how the landscaping trade has changed over the years. He was a nice old man, but I had a lot of work to do so I kind of tuned him out while I worked, answering him every now and then so as not to seem rude. After he left, my boss told me he has been coming in for years, and has always been very talkative.

He came in a few more times to adjust his order, or to pick up some supplies, and every time he dealt with me. I'm ashamed to admit that this bothered me at first, as I do have quite a bit of work to do and I don't really have time to stop and chat for half an hour most days. However, the last time he came in I was already having an awful day. This time, instead of feigning interest in whatever he was saying, I decided to take the time to really listen to him. We went outside and loaded up his ute with a couple hundred pavers (by hand, because the knuckleheads at the manufacturing plant loaded his pavers onto the same pallet as our stock, meaning I couldn't simply use the forklift to put them on his ute) and I listened to him. He started telling me how he'd been researching his family tree and heritage, and over years had traced his name back as far as 1,000 years. He came into contact with some of the people who shared his name, most of whom were only too happy to pass on whatever information they had.

It got me thinking about my own name, and the history that goes with it. My background is hard to trace, as it covers quite a few nationalities, but it must be possible. The thought of linking the Mallows name back to its roots excites me. I have no idea where it began, or how far back it goes, but I'd like to find out. I also have no idea how to go about achieving this task, but if I'm able to do it, it'd be a great gift to pass down to my children.

The Mallows Complex

2008-04-26T15:56:00.004+10:00

Ever wake up and feel like the world would be a better place, if only you were in control? Well, I do, pretty much every day. Here are just a few problems I'd like to have fixed by the time I build Daletopia. If you're not interested in the opinion of some narcissistic bastard who thinks he's the authority on the world because his mommy didn't hug him enough as a child, or because he's really bored and can't think of anything better to do with his time, please stop reading now.

Skinny jeans

I know trends are usually fickle, and by the time anyone has time to write anything about it, people have moved onto some other asinine way to stand out, but the trend of guys wearing girls jeans seems to have actually taken off. Nevermind the fact that by putting on your sisters jeans in the morning you're technically cross-dressing, but you also look completely rediclious. I think I actually preferred it when guys were wearing pants way too big and half way down their asses.

I'd recommend picking up a pair of mens designer jeans. You can get slim fit jeans, only they have more room in the crotch and waist than your girlfriends. And, you know, they're mens jeans.

Super Hero movies

I used to read comics when I was a young lad. I spent my time going on adventures with Spider-Man, the Hulk, the X-Men, etc. Then I discovered girls, but that's a whole other story for another blog. The point is I grew up with these stories. In recent years, Hollywood seems to have discovered these comics I read as a child and decided the time was ripe to bring them all to the big screen, after a number of failed attempts back in the eighties (aside from the Batman series, which was killed in a collective effort by Hollywood producers and George Cloony). Suddenly all my heroes have returned, but something seems off...

Okay, I was excited when X-Men and Spider-Man turned out to be a fairly decent movies, despite the Green Goblins costume. The sequel to Spider-Man was even better, and Batman Begins is probably the coolest comic book movie yet. However, here is a list of movies that made me cry for all the wrong reasons: The Fantastic Four, The Fantastic Four; Rise of the Silver Surfer, X-Men 3, Superman Returns, Hulk, Daredevil, Elektra...need I go on? Because I could, sadly enough.

Ironman, it's all up to you to save our faith in comic book films.

Censorship

I recently started watching repeats of Friends, as I did at one stage enjoy the cheap and predictable laughs the show provided me in my younger years. So I sit down with a coffee and flick on the television. At first, everything seems fine. Then I realize the studio laughter is roaring, and I didn't even hear a joke. I figured maybe I'd missed it, but it happened again and again, like my brain was somehow skipping the punchlines. Was I going crazy? No, they network just decided that they'd cut out anything that vaguely referenced sex.

The only solution I can think of is everyone in Melbourne buying Friends on DVD and playing the episode Chanel Ten are supposed to be playing at the same time. The only flaw I can foresee is I don't know a single person who'd pay good money to buy an outdated TV sitcom, let alone an entire city.

Internet Bloggers

From reporting their shitty taste in music and movies as fact to talking shit about things not even their therapists are paid enough to put up with, these bottom feeders of society are bringing down the universal IQ with their drivel. While you may occasionally find someones opinion or life worth reading about (links to some of these gems are listed on this page), the vast majority are pointless and are a total waste of your time. Yes, I am quite aware of the hypocrisy of this. I'm fighting fire with fire!

I say we close down the Internet. Let's see if people are as willing to write down every thought that randomly pops into their head when there is nobody around to read their crudely carved cave drawings.

HIMYM

2008-04-16T21:24:00.005+10:00

Every time I hear the song Hey Beautiful by The Solids (the opening theme for How I Met Your Mother) it makes me think of all the times I stayed up literately all night watching the shows first season on DVD, over and over again. I don't think any TV show has made me laugh and cry as much as How I Met Your Mother. (Except maybe Buffy).

Still, I'm disappointed with the season two DVD set. Not a single special feature for the PAL region. Pure laziness on the part of the studio who releases them. Yeah, I still bought it. But doesn't mean I'm happy about it.

The show, however, remains consistent. I can honestly say that after watching every episode of the first season at least five times, I still laugh out loud often. For me, it's one of those rare shows that I can watch from now until eternity and never get sick of it. Ted, Robin, Marshall, Lily and Barney are friends to me (just check out my friends list on myspace). Please watch this show if you haven't seen it, and if you have and you like it, buy the DVD.

The song is awesome, too.

The Twelve Hundred Dollar Slap

2008-04-01T18:40:00.001+11:00

This video sums up my Sunday night.

DJ, the slapper, won approximately $1000 in a poker game at Crown Casino in what I can only assume was a bid to prove me wrong about the game. I’ve always felt poker, and any other game where there is a good chance you’re going to loose money, is a complete and utter waste of time. If I really wanted to get rid of some money, I’d throw it off the bridge overlooking the freeway.

Nonetheless, DJ showed us that at the very least he’s a talented poker player, although if his aim was to prove to me that poker isn’t gambling (one of his many wild claims, though admittedly one of his most foolish) he actually did the opposite, as whoever he was playing against obviously lost money, therefore proving my point which never should have needed explaining in the first place.

He did take Maz (the slapie) and I out for an expensive dinner to celebrate his win though, which was exceedingly generous (and elevated him from Goose status). This status was almost immediately restored when he made a fool of himself and made an enemy for life with our waiter by implying he brought out the wrong drink (he hadn’t).

In other news; I was nearly the owner of an immaculate condition V8AU Ford Fairlane Ghia. Unfortunately my definition of the word immaculate differed greatly from the seller. I learned two things from the experience, 1. used car salesmen are as shifty as the stereotype implies, and 2. when something seems too good to be true, you can be damn sure it is.

Peace,
Daze

Photo Post

2008-03-24T00:35:00.009+11:00

I went for a walk around Hampton Park today with my camera, the first three photos are a few of the shots I took. The last two photos I shot down at Sky High, a beautiful place with a view that looks all over Melbourne. They also serve amazing coffee.

Happy Easter, everyone.

Apocalypse, please

2008-03-13T20:30:00.005+11:00

Here is a list of people of people who I can rightfully kill under the laws of Christianity.

Homosexuals.

Adulterers

Disobedient children

Women who have sex before marriage

Any non-Christians

Anyone accused of wickedness by more than two people

Anyone who works on the Sabbath.

I'm willing to bet I could wipe out the vast majority of mankind under those laws. Of course thats assuming no one kills me first, which would be quite justified.

Now, just for kicks, lets take a few leaps backwards in feminism.

It is shameful for a woman to speak inside a church

A man must approve of his wifes words for them to have force

A woman must not teach or hold authority over a man

If a woman is suspected of cheating on her husband, the husband may serve her a poison drink. If she becomes deformed, that proves her guilt.

And here are some interesting facts to boot.

God supports slavery.

It's okay to beat slaves if they don't die within two days

Marriage is the lesser of two evils for Christians who can't resist their sexual urges

It's okay to beat your children with a rod. After all, it won't kill them.

The bible includes many good and inspiring passages, of that I'm sure. But I wonder, how do you take such messages from the same book that endorses killing women, children, non-Christians, homosexuals, etc? I realize that in todays world, much if not all of the above listed is considered evil by Christians. My question is how can there be people out there who take the bible seriously, word for word, in some places but completely ignore others?

Some of you might think I'm unfairly attacking Christianity. The truth is, it's the only religion I know what little I do about it. For the record, I feel the same way about pretty much all religious beliefs. However, being Australian, the biggest religion in my life happens to be Christianity, therefore it has more influence than, say, the Muslim belief.

I also feel the same way about psychics, seers, UFOs, ghosts, astrology, etc. While they can be fascinating stories, I simply can't believe them as fact. Tricksters, liars and the genuinely confused.

Is religion still relevant today? Will it be relevant tomorrow? Does the good religion do outweigh the evil? If someone leads a good and charitable life because he believes he will be rewarded after death, is this such a bad thing? I don't think so. But by the same token, I'm deeply disturbed by the idea that this life is simply a gateway into another, eternal life. Spending what I believe is your one and only life auditioning for a second, non-existent life is unhealthy and downright wasteful.

However, let's assume that there is life after death. Should a man who abides by the laws of his country and generally leads a good life truly burn in hell for eternity because he doesn't believe Jesus died for his sins? Growing up, this is what probably bothered me the most about religion. Before I developed solid atheist opinions about these things, I used to reject the idea of hell. I thought maybe you'd spend a certain amount of time in 'hell' until you were ready for heaven. Or that you'd be reincarnated over and over until you passed some divine test and gained entry into the Big Party In The Sky. But really, that was just doing what I accuse religious people of doing, taking bits and pieces of belief systems and putting them neatly together for my own peace of mind. I now believe (almost used the word 'know') there is only one life. You're born, you live, you die.

A good friend of mine, Maz, is Catholic. When we discuss religion and such, I gather he believes in the story, but not necessarily every word of the bible. For a complete report on what he believes you'd have to ask him, but I know he believes in God, but I can't see him killing anyone because they don't believe in his God. Again, you'd have to ask him, but I think he'd agree with me in that the bible itself has been corrupted over the years. Yet this doesn't affect his knowledge that God does exist, whereas if I were ever religious it probably would. Am I just skeptical?

When a religious person looks at an animal hunting, he may see design whereas I see natural selection or evolution. Where he sees a mountain created by God, I see something that has been shaped by nature for a millennia. Is this skeptical? Is being skeptical a bad thing? It doesn't seem so to me. A healthy skepticism seem like a very good thing.

I'll end the post on an obnoxious note with this image:

EDIT: Since writing this (I have it posted on a few pages), I have received a lot of comments reminding me that much of what I have listed is from the Old Testament, which was phased out and replaced with the teaching of Jesus. I accept this (and won't get into the hypocrisy of it). However, I wonder why it was changed? Clearly some of the vicious teachings didn't sit well with the faithful, who, under the watchful eye of the Old Testament God were at risk of being turned into a pillar of salt for the more minor of sins (if they can even be called that).

The addition of Jesus into the bible, I assume, was to show the Church and God in a more positive light. While Jesus is a far more pleasant character than Yahweh, I still find it startling that he was so adamant about tearing apart families.

Anyway, my main point was yes, I know the Old Testament is regarded as barbaric by the vast majority of Christians. I just find it amusing that religious folk try to tell me that religion is the origin of morality. If so, why do people see the Old Testament as out of touch with modern morals? What defines moral behavior? If it were the bible, the New Testament would never have needed to be written.

Oh yes...

2008-03-11T23:44:00.002+11:00

I will own this.

For anyone who's interested, Nine Inch Nails have released a digital instrumental titled Ghosts I-IV. It's available for download here: http://ghosts.nin.com/main/home. The first nine tracks are free, the rest you can buy for $5. Or you could just illegally download the entire thing, but that would just be bad form.

It's my birthday!

2008-03-05T17:43:00.003+11:00

I really have nothing to add to that. I just felt you all should know that I was born this day twenty two years ago.

Freethought

2008-02-14T18:35:00.005+11:00

Aside from sleeping...

2008-02-09T16:13:00.000+11:00

On Thursday night I went and saw Iron Maiden preform at the Rod Laver arena. Even though I only know a few of their songs, it was a fantastic concert. The crowd went nuts when they played Number of the Beast, then went insane during Run to the Hills. The most amazing thing was Bruce Dickinson's voice sounds the same now as it did when they were young. Just really amazing stuff.

I had a day of luck last weekend when I went down to JB with Maz so he could buy a Smallville DVD. I decided on a whim that I'd look through the CD's for The Rise and Fall of Ziggy Stardust, though I'd never seen it in Australia before (only cheap Chinese imports) and according to Maz, the only way to get it is off ebay. Not only did I find it (and it was the only copy there), it was also on special so I picked it up for $10.

I've been without a car for over a week now. Withdrawal symptoms are beginning to kick in. Not having to drive my friends around for once is great, but having to get a lift to work every morning is beyond inexcusable.

Oh, and I've been reading The Dead Zone by Stephen King. I'd forgotten how much I enjoy his writing.

If the sun won't shine, forever will never be fine

2008-01-18T19:01:00.000+11:00

I have to say first and foremost that it is awesome having Paulina back in my life. Speaking to that girl again after so many years of silence was surreal. There seemed to be no hard feelings, and everything just felt very natural. Water under the bridge, you might say. Lina: welcome to the jungle, baby.

I've also begun talking to a very old friend of mine, the first (or second) person I ever met online. By my calculations, I've known this girl seven years, which is just an amazingly long time in my mind. I'm getting to a point in my life where friends mean a lot to me, and in turn I'm trying to be a better, more loyal friend to those I have.

Oh, and both girls are Canadian. God I wish I was in Canada. Think of the snow! I'm so depressed that I haven't seen snow in my entire twenty-one year life.

I want a vacation. I want America. I want New York. And I want snow.

I also want these glasses, but they cost $250.

Triumph!

2008-01-10T18:37:00.000+11:00

I'll start with another golden piece of advise, as I did in my last blog. Do not stay out until 4am when you have work the next day. This might sound like common sense, but keep it in mind anyway. If your friends come knocking on your door at midnight, beckoning you into their luxurious car, don't follow. For the love of God, just go to bed.

Here's why: I ended up getting about three and a half hours sleep. Needless to say, I was pretty tired, since I had been staying up pretty late the previous couple of nights. All day at work I had to continuously struggle to keep my eyes open, drink coffee and think deeply to remember the most obvious things. Tired as I was, I held it together pretty well until the end of the day. Right on closing time, there was in influx of customers. After about the third guy came in after we should have been closed, I decided I'd close the back gates to prevent any cars driving on through. Unfortunately, I had the entire content of the till sitting on the counter (some $1000). Normally I would have put the money in a bag and hidden it if I planned on going outside the office, but I wasn't thinking clearly. I went and locked the front door, in case anyone came in while I was locking the back gate.

As soon as I had closed and locked the gate, I knew something was off. I thought about it, scratched my head, couldn't think of anything and decided to shrug it off and get back into the office, which had the air conditioning running. Then it hit me, I couldn't get back in. I had locked the gate which allowed access to the back yard, and had locked the front door. I searched my pockets only to find they were empty. Everything I should have had on my person (wallet, office keys, car keys, cell phone) were all sitting on my desk. Bravo, Dale.

I tried in vain to get into the office, checking to make double sure the door was locked. It was. Climbing the fence was out as the chain links were too small for me to get my feet through, and besides there was three lines of barbed wire across the top. I finally decided that I had no choice but to call my Dad, who would have a ladder I could use to jump the fence, as the back door to the office was wide open. I went out into the street and looked for any place that was open. I went to the office next door, but they were closed. Nobody home. Next door to them, however, was a gym. A womens only gym. Great.

I walked into the gym with the vague notion that I was the only person in the place with a penis. It made me a little uncomfortable. I asked if I could use the phone, which the woman at the counter said was fine. I dialed home, being the only phone number I really know by heart, only to reach my answering machine. I tried about three times, each time only hearing my mothers maddening voice informing me that the Mallows family wasn't home, and to leave a message after the beep. I won't repeat the message I left.

Anyway, I thanked the lady at the gym and left hastily. I saw a massive truck sitting idle by the side of the road, just outside my own office, so I decided to ask him if he would happen to have a ladder for whatever reason. No dice. He did suggest I try the hardware store on the end of the street, though. I like to think that, had my brain been at full power, I'd have thought of that myself. So I thanked him and made my way to The Project Center. It was officially closed, but the door was still open, so I entered. After standing around a seemingly empty office for a minute or two, I heard a knock from the office window upstairs. The manager came down, and I explained to him my sad little situation. I asked if he wouldn't mind lending me a ladder for a few minutes, to which he replied 'We have none left in stock.' I was beginning to think this was some kind of cruel devine prank.

While he went downstairs to see if he had one lying around somewhere, I tried dialing home again. Nada. Another less than polite message. I realize in hindsight that this was nobody else's fault but my own, but I was caught between repressed rage and overwhelming tiredness. Anyway, the manager returned with bad news, but suggested I try using a plank of wood from the yard to lean against the fence and climb over. I figured it was better than standing around like a fool, so I carried this stupidly big piece of timber down the street and back to my office.

I leaned the plank against the fence and attempted to climb, but as I approached the top it started to slip. I jumped back down and pondered trying again and hoping for the best when I finally came up with something that resembled a good idea. I went to the front of my office and carried back a couple of wallstones we keep on display. I used these to keep the blank of wood in place while I climbed, and lo and behold, it worked! I got to the top with very little trouble, but now I had to climb over the barbed wire. This was harder than I had expected, as not only did it slice up my hands nicely, but it also latched onto any piece of clothing that came near it. After struggling to get my legs over the wire (thank God I was wearing thick jeans), I began climbing down, ripping my shirt off the barbs every few seconds. I finally jumped down, bleeding from the hands, arms, stomach and chest. But it was a minimal amount of blood, so I considered it a victory.

After that, I quickly counted up the rest of the money, put it away, closed up the rest of the shop and went home. Sleep that night was sweet.

The End.

General Update

2007-12-27T16:32:00.000+11:00

First off, a piece of advice for anyone who likes to see movies; don't see Alien vs. Predator Requiem. It's basically a 'How To Make A Bad Movie In Three Easy Steps' film. They took a bunch of unlikable characters, waited until about half way through the movie before they bunched them all together for some reason, then had an a. alien, b. a Predator, or c. the hybrid of the two kill each other and them off one by one. I wasn't expecting a good movie, and I was still let down. Still, as I pointed out to the friends I saw it with, any movie where an Alien/Predator halfbreed makes a pregnant woman deep throat him, and gets her knocked up with alien babies has at least something going for it.

I got some cool toys for Christmas. My new alarm clock that plays my iPod through its speakers is awesome. I also got the Across The Great Divide DVD (Silverchair and Powderfinger touring together across Australia), a couple of NIN CD's, the first season of Heroes on DVD, and a really cool torch for my car. Good for when road rage sets in, and you need something to see in the dark with while bashing someone with something heavy. Two birds, one stone. Bravo.

I'm reading Interview with the Vampire again. It's been so long since I read Anne Rice, mostly because anything she wrote after Lestat makes me wish I was blind. I need a new book. I'm really looking forward to seeing Sweeney Todd. Anything with Depp and Burton involved is going to be, at the very least, interesting.

I almost scored a PlayStation3 for $500, including two controllers, three games and a memory card. I never wanted a PS3 until it was offered to me at that price, but I haven't heard back from the seller. Probably realized he could get a Hell of a lot more then $500 for it. Such is life.

Messing Around With My New Camera

2007-12-18T19:41:00.000+11:00

I haven't really had a chance to play around with my new camera, so yesterday I spent my day tinkering with it while hanging out with my pets.

Jasper, looking like he wants to be adored

Lexie; the lone wolf of the pride

"What am I supposed to do with this...?"

Harlee looking depressed, as always

Merry Christmas. Wait, where are all the presents...?

I've been thinking about getting back into guitar. I tried it for a while, but because I didn't get good at it right away I sort of gave up. I also just became too busy, I guess. Now I have every Monday off, so that would be the perfect day to either take lessons or just mess around in the garage and make noise while no one is home. I've always wanted to play, but watching Daniel Johns and Trent Reznor in concert revived the passion for it. Not to mention Hale, who's constant talk of guitars and music both impresses and humbles me.

Maybe I'll make that my new years resolution.

The Weekend

2007-12-16T12:53:00.000+11:00

Knowledge: work functions are much more fun when you're working with people closer to your own age. Nick and I spent the whole night quoting lines from Blades of Glory and drinking beer. Good times indeed.

By the way, this is my new kitten, Jasper.

Bask in his awesomeness.

Shiny New Blog

2007-12-13T18:27:00.000+11:00

I've taken a leaf out of my bros booklet and made a new blog, because myspace is a cesspool of spammers and pointless bulletins. If you're dead set on punishing yourself, you can see my other blog at myspace.com/dazeman12. It's friends only though, so unless you have myspace you'd be wasting your time. But then, who doesn't have myspace these days?

Currently I'm working full time as a sales consultant at Brick N Pave. While this takes up most of my time, whatever spare moments I can gather are spent out on the town bro'ing it up with my buddies, or killing time on this magical wonderland they call the Internet.

I'm re-reading the Anthony Kiedis autobiography; Scar Tissue. I highly recommend it, if for no other reason than to turn you off drugs for life. I'm also watching the second season of How I Met Your Mother, which is the best show since Arrested Development. I also saw the Christmas special for The Office (UK), which was amazing. I love the US Office, but you can't beat David Brent.

As for music, I'm really getting back into Nine Inch Nails. Year Zero has to be album of the year, at least. If you get a chance, watch the live concert Beside You In Time. Truly amazing stuff.

I need a new suit. I'm thinking light charcoal, which well go well with my pale green shirt and lime green tie. I was thinking pinstripe, but I'm not sure if I could pull that off without getting a vest to go with it. Maybe I'll wait until winter for that.

Peace,
Dale