The Mallows Complex

Ever wake up and feel like the world would be a better place, if only you were in control? Well, I do, pretty much every day. Here are just a few problems I'd like to have fixed by the time I build Daletopia. If you're not interested in the opinion of some narcissistic bastard who thinks he's the authority on the world because his mommy didn't hug him enough as a child, or because he's really bored and can't think of anything better to do with his time, please stop reading now.

Skinny jeans

I know trends are usually fickle, and by the time anyone has time to write anything about it, people have moved onto some other asinine way to stand out, but the trend of guys wearing girls jeans seems to have actually taken off. Nevermind the fact that by putting on your sisters jeans in the morning you're technically cross-dressing, but you also look completely rediclious. I think I actually preferred it when guys were wearing pants way too big and half way down their asses.

I'd recommend picking up a pair of mens designer jeans. You can get slim fit jeans, only they have more room in the crotch and waist than your girlfriends. And, you know, they're mens jeans.

Super Hero movies

I used to read comics when I was a young lad. I spent my time going on adventures with Spider-Man, the Hulk, the X-Men, etc. Then I discovered girls, but that's a whole other story for another blog. The point is I grew up with these stories. In recent years, Hollywood seems to have discovered these comics I read as a child and decided the time was ripe to bring them all to the big screen, after a number of failed attempts back in the eighties (aside from the Batman series, which was killed in a collective effort by Hollywood producers and George Cloony). Suddenly all my heroes have returned, but something seems off...

Okay, I was excited when X-Men and Spider-Man turned out to be a fairly decent movies, despite the Green Goblins costume. The sequel to Spider-Man was even better, and Batman Begins is probably the coolest comic book movie yet. However, here is a list of movies that made me cry for all the wrong reasons: The Fantastic Four, The Fantastic Four; Rise of the Silver Surfer, X-Men 3, Superman Returns, Hulk, Daredevil, Elektra...need I go on? Because I could, sadly enough.

Ironman, it's all up to you to save our faith in comic book films.

Censorship

I recently started watching repeats of Friends, as I did at one stage enjoy the cheap and predictable laughs the show provided me in my younger years. So I sit down with a coffee and flick on the television. At first, everything seems fine. Then I realize the studio laughter is roaring, and I didn't even hear a joke. I figured maybe I'd missed it, but it happened again and again, like my brain was somehow skipping the punchlines. Was I going crazy? No, they network just decided that they'd cut out anything that vaguely referenced sex.

The only solution I can think of is everyone in Melbourne buying Friends on DVD and playing the episode Chanel Ten are supposed to be playing at the same time. The only flaw I can foresee is I don't know a single person who'd pay good money to buy an outdated TV sitcom, let alone an entire city.

Internet Bloggers

From reporting their shitty taste in music and movies as fact to talking shit about things not even their therapists are paid enough to put up with, these bottom feeders of society are bringing down the universal IQ with their drivel. While you may occasionally find someones opinion or life worth reading about (links to some of these gems are listed on this page), the vast majority are pointless and are a total waste of your time. Yes, I am quite aware of the hypocrisy of this. I'm fighting fire with fire!

I say we close down the Internet. Let's see if people are as willing to write down every thought that randomly pops into their head when there is nobody around to read their crudely carved cave drawings.